回忆过去`

部落格可以很容易的设立起来。
所以，我有不止一个部落格。


哈哈。
我好可笑。现在想起来，我真的是蠢。
接近三年前，我买了一束花。
我是傻瓜。也不知道是那根筋不对，犯了这么一个天大的错。
我以为，那是一个新的开始。
或许，会有人陪我过下半辈子。
没想到，我只是个爱情傻子。

我没有修改过，一字不漏的呈献。
那年的十一月二十五，二十六日的心情写照。

-对你的话-
没想到你也对我有意思。 不敢对你有任何的承诺。 人呢，是善变的动物。 可能我现在很想被爱吧？ 我不想让你一场欢喜一场空。。。
暂时应该不会有人知道这个部落格。

insch`
i had to type in eng cos i'm in sch i dun wanna feel this way. but i
dunno wads on her mind. this kind of feeling sucks till the core. if only she
would tell me. i dunno whether to call her/ sms or find her. i wanna talk. i
wanna know how she feels i'm afraid she feels that i m too prossesive. too
childish? i nvr did things like that i did this morning my 1st. woke up at 6.
just to wait for her at her void deck yet i had to switch plc, cos her dad
fetching her to sch...

每当我在看到这些文字,不禁感叹。
当初，是烧坏了脑袋。

如果我说，我已经放下了那是在欺骗读者。
但是，我也没有在盼望什么。
因为，在一起不一定会幸福。
至少，她现在过得很好。

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

今晚，我将从回到小六那年。
和曾经是乳臭未干小孩成长为一群年少轻狂的同学们在上一堂
《我们的历史课》。

甲乙丙丁`

人有悲欢离合。

为什么呢？
是谁定的？
真他*的***。

是我而已吗？
还是你也感觉得到？

心情很低落。
不爽这世界。

我本不应该在这里。

人不为己天诛地灭。
可见人很自私自利。

就是这样，世界很丑。

----------------------

我想，我知道。

如果你看到或听到我在家里如何地对待我妈。。。
你可能会觉得我很不孝。
她问的问题，我不屑回答。
原因？

十几年来，我已习惯。
问题里头重是有一个她猜疑的渴望答案。
也就是说，在她开口的那一瞬间我知道她在影射什么。
这么说来，就算现在她只是出于关心的简单问候我都会有所保留。
我也不会觉得开心，就算有她的关心。
现在已疆在那里。麻痹。神经瘫痪。

我选择不说话。
从心理学的角度来说，应该是渴望更多的注意和关心吧？
我觉得是这样没错。
年纪小时，曾觉得何苦要乖乖的？
做一个叛逆的问题小孩也不错吧？
起码她不会把注意力转离我的身上。
她也不会有时间去幻想那些有的没的。

女人怀孕会过敏。
我想，遗传是个恐怖的事实。
真他*的。
我败给了这个世界。
到底是谁把它制造的这么复杂？

tick tock

i have no time to blog this week.
next wkend oso busy.
life's gr8t isn't it?

成功的人`

成功的人，不爱埋怨，只会埋头苦干。
本少爷我正好相反！真他*的烂！

近几年来我都没有设么作为。
没有远大，宏伟的理想，也没有积极地面对人生。
对于我自己的生活步伐，生活习惯很不满意。

成功的人在乎什么？关心的有哪些事？
即将步入另一个阶段的我，心里忐忑不安。
你看。在这个部落格里，有多少次我写的都是心情低落，毫无信心的事情？
又有几次，你能感受到我激昂斗志，满怀希望，努力向上，奋斗到底的一面？
前者比后者来的还要多很多很多吧？

不稀奇。我觉得这就是我。很真实地我。
很多人说网络里头不能老实，要懂得保留也同时是在保护自己。
可是，我没办法。真的很难。
可能在他人眼里我是一个很多缺陷的无名小卒。
大家这个时候又会跳出来很有爱心的说：不会啦！你很棒啊！
你们是朋友。但有时候哦，朋友不见得最诚实。
因为有感情，所以会有难以启齿的时候。那就是啦！

我自认没有信心。可笑的是，年龄越大信心越少。
或许我这一生会没有作为，因为我把自己框在自己想太多的世界里。
每一次都自我自责，忧虑。而到了年过半百的时候，是否会悔恨当初年少无知，虚度光阴呢？
我发觉我变了。自私。自我。这样的一个人，值得吗？
够了。我说够了。真得够了！

可不可以停止那一副没人爱每人疼，可怜兮兮的不要脸行为啊！
每一次都博取朋友们对你的关心，不要脸。不知羞耻。
你是个男人啊，可不可以有点尊严？我也觉得是时候了。

你没耕过田，哪会知道农夫们的辛苦？
你又不是我，哪会了解我心里面的煎熬？

想说的`

一晃，就半年了。
很多话想说，很多心事。
往往到了周末，我都把时间花在其他的事情上。
我还是没变。性情起伏还是很大。
渐渐的，我发觉我是个怪咖。
在人群里，越来越不懂得社交，变得孤僻。
可能我在等待了解我的人出现吧。
其余的，我都没有想要了解的动力。
当然在这样一个情况下，也不会得到别人的在意。

幽幽的。闷闷的。默默的。
这就是我。

怪。很怪的二十岁男生。

在这半年里，离开了新加坡两回。
一次飞去了台湾，最近去了文莱。
同样是为了训练，但是却有截然不同的体验。
第一次到台湾。很期待到处游玩，却害怕考验。
没有一百分的享受过程。
第一次到文莱，很期待受训却没期盼游玩。
没有一百分的享受过程。

训练的内或许精彩，但我只能欲言又止。
所以，对此就到此为止。


*或许我还在期待，一个了解我的人出现。*
现在的我真的不堪一击。很弱。很身心憔悴。
我的心已经不知道多久没有温暖过了。
可能就是‘爱’的温, ‘护’的暖。
不知道活着的理由。没有奋斗的毅力。
没有勤奋的动力。在我身上，你看不到生命力。

如果我现在有女朋友，我想结婚。
想要拥有自己的家。
我想要改变‘家’在我过去的二十年里的形式。
我想望的很简单。却好像永远都只能望着它哭泣。
我觉得不是‘可能’而是肯定。我很‘母性’。
对于感情我很挑，更对美满家居生活要求完美。

一直很没有信心。因为没有人肯定我的努力。
也没有人给我打针施药。
我需要的是一剂强心针，一颗定心丸，外敷消毒药膏。
我病了。而且病得不轻。患得患失了二十个年头。
我需要的是一个人来给我母爱。
滋润我的心扉，开启我对世界原来的憧憬和失去的童年。
若我能做选择，我不会在这里。不想不被重视。
好多人害怕母亲管得太多，我刚好相反。
因为缺乏，所以渴望。

咳~未来。不知道有什么好期待。
好幼稚。好孬种。好俗啦。好不man啊。

回到家里头，看到我妈。真的很失望。
她的一言一语带着猜忌，一举一动重是带着怀疑。
我已经厌倦。厌烦。厌恶。达到了一个忍无可忍的地步。
之所以会那么生气，是因为非比寻常的在意。

为何。酒不醉人，人自醉。
真的是庸人自扰。

2009 Happy New Year!

it's been awhile. james kept asking me to blog. i am just too lazy.
happy new year to all my friends. oh yah...and merry christmas too.

lazy lazy lazy. i am plain lazy.
this has been a problem since primary school.
there's so much for me to achieve if i had been more disciplined.

so, this year i am setting my new year resolution as STOP BEING LAZY!
i am not confident that i could really do that, but i believe i must at least list it out.
this year, i will keep reminding myself of that.
and to those i had let down, i promise to be a better friend from now onwards.

i will miss my friend's BD bcoz of army committment.i couldn't help it, but i promise i will make it up for that! i still have not gave eli, von, jane, their christmas present this year. i din give von her bd present, and betsy too.

i always have strange looks. i might look or sound angry at times when i dun really feel like that, i am blunt at times. i am too emotional and sensitive. now that i noticed, i will change for the better. Please guide me along the way.

i hope in this way, i will be a better loving person.

who you are made a difference

pris sent me a email.
who you are made a difference.

it was meaningful.
so the following days
i will post.
thanking those made a difference.
to me.
to my life.
to my world.
=)

11 Jul Krys

thanks.

who you are made a difference to me.



we knew each other since secondary school days. we got close because of sean? he asked you for MJ, and soon you are the long term Kahki of my MJ sessions. Oh yah, that was after secondary 4 eh? haha.Like what you had mentioned, "it's so strange that we din talk to each other that much and untill now we are like so close.". i dun really care about the past. the most important thing is, we will still be friends for the rest of our lives.


we(include wz n' sean) went m'sia once.we spent nights watching soccer tog. we spent time betting. plus, those emotional conversations and sensible ones shall always carry on. we can agree on volunteerism, making a difference to the earth we live in. that's rare.

i dun have many female friends now. you are certainly one of those that could understand me better.(better than some guys too) i believe u can feel it too. u entrust me to get your mum a mothers' day gift, and i am glad u asked me to. you are my friend. Best friend =)

thanks for lending a listening ear. thanks for trusting in me. thanks for the encouragements. continue to be there for me, please. thank you.=)

10Jul Wz

thanks.

who you are made a difference to my life.



we knew each other since secondary school days. besides being classmates, we became close because we took the same buses home and had the chance to know each other better. then there was scout activities which somehow drew us closer bcos we had some common topics and activities.



we had a big fight during sec2c/3c. i could only remember slamming doors and walk away. but wad was it about and who's fault was it, wasnt sure. soccer bets, MJ sessions, swimming days and lunching together.i always think that you had a stubborn temper. not all classmates could stand it. i had a hard time doing that too in the beginning. but as soon as the days past, i start to learn how i can communicate with you better.


we often had some small talks at your void deck. we could talk alot. past, present, future. like anything. from relationships to studies to even marriage. those were really helpful. i was looking for a listening ear, and you were there for me. =)



thanks, who you are made a difference to me.best friend =)

i appreciated that.

09Jul-Sean

thanks.

who you are made a difference.



i am glad i have you ard. We started knowing each other since secondary school days. We had lots of fun. We had alot of secondary memories. How u tell me about your love encounters, how u made fun of others, and ofcourse how u slap on junwei's face just because he had placed your bag on the floor and seated on your seat.



you said i gave you a present in secondary school. i almost forgot. really. its only when you mentioned, i recalled. i remembered once we chatted almost for an hour (or was it longer than that?) on the phone. at then, the only person i could be on the phone for such a long time was Joanne. i couldn't remember what was the conversation about, but i do remember u played piano and your dad just return home and did scold or said a few words about you kept talking on the phone.



i never mock at you when others did. i dun think thats right to do so. =) during those days, i thought you were just a normal friend i had, like all others. I wanted you to be my best friend. If you did notice, i dun give anyone a present.(although, e present wasnt very ex or very nice). but probably your actions did'nt let me have the feel that we were so damn good friends. oh yah, u scolded me "犯贱" and pushed my head to the corner.i do remember that, when we were in a fight.



through the poly years, we did'nt spend much time together either. but it's just recently that we were so close. i am actually greatful and glad that on the day u were enlisted, your mum said "sean say you are his best friend." and you agreed on that. you had made a difference to my life. i would wanna let you know. at this moment, you are my friend. best friend. =) these days we had some very personal talks and i do think that you are the one of the few i had cried while telling you my problems. =)



i wanna let you know, you made a difference to my life. i do appreciate your existence.

thank you.